The older I get I'm starting to understand what is actually going on throughout my family...I thought we were pretty average when I was younger...but looks like I thought wrong...all this leads to more understanding, more struggles, and harder times....Is this a test from God?...How long will it last?...
Why does giving up seem so much easier than keep going?...
It seems so easy when you play it through in your mind, but in actuality, guess not that's how it always works...
Family, school, social things don't seem to mix well right now...
What to do, what to do...
Anger, stress, depression....seems there are more of these than joy, happiness, laughter...
All this makes me want to be alone...away from everyone...going some place where I don't know anyone...just be that loner, letting all that anger, stress, and depression just eat me away...
Guess somehow I've just gotta wait...figure out what God is testing me on...continue walking...praying...
But it just all seems hard to do now...losing hope, doubting, turning the other way....
Can't turn to family when that's where most struggles come from...friends?...who can i trust, who will understand, who will give the answer I'm looking for...
All that's left is God, but isn't He the one giving the test, leading me, the one that's always there for me, picking me up when down?....then why does it feel like nobody is there?...
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oh my. I'm bad at writing anything...but here it goes. Sorry that I forgot how to write~
ReplyDeleteYeah, I struggle with a lot of the same things...used to struggle a lot with depression, still does on and off... attempted suicide a couple times...icky relationship with family
Go to Yuri Kim's Facebook. Her status a week ago ish was something like "Sometimes God will ask you to do the impossible, but He never will ask you to do it alone".
You're not alone. He surely hasn't deserted you. Remember when your parents taught you how to walk? Or ride a bike? or something like that. They held on to you for a while, and then let go but still there to rescue you if you fell.
God's like that too. He's gradually letting go of our hand, but He's still there.
This is biased...but I feel your church has one of the strongest church families I have ever seen. Talk to someone, your bible study leader, P. Aimee, one of the other youths...I haven't been to FNL for a year but if you guys still pray for each other, pull a brother or two aside, tell them this struggle.
Don't turn back, continue walking though it seems tough. Be patient, cuz He'll give the answer to the test and stuff at the right time (although it seems like forever...a million years) Patience is one of the hardest things you can ever learn, but it's worth it in the end.
ReplyDeleteRemember, "I do my best, God does the rest"? Continue working hard in school, and He'll fill the blanks and give you the rest you need.
I'm praying for you. Remember, there's no way that you're alone. From what I've seen in Hanin you forever will have a family you can confide in.
Ohmy. I hope you understood somewhat in this ranty thing. Hopefully I sortof helped you, even though it's probably not the answer you're looking for. Sorry about that, if that's the case.
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And sorry about my stalker comment in your conv with Cathy. I misjudged what you were saying. At retreats we all experience a worship sensatation that we rarely sense. Good feeling, eh?
Remember the love of all your Winter Retreats and use that to help you grow, like now.
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and I would be writing a message to you on facebook...but I deactivated my facebook. SO SORRYYY FOR MY SPAM :D